I saw a post on Reddit today that really struck a chord with me. A young guy, 14 years old, says he wants to end his life because no girls would find him desirable.
There are so many things wrong with this… sentiment. Somehow I find myself staring at the screen for a while, just reading his post over and over, and finding a piece of my (former) self in it.
Craving Female Validation
I’m not sure about this young man’s situation, but for me I used to be absolutely desperate for female attention. Growing up I had no female figures around. My mum passed away when I was a kid, my sister lived away from me, and I spent my formative childhood and adolescence years with my dad.
My dad and I rarely, if ever, had an honest man-to-man talk. He has just never really opened up to me. Even to this day, I barely know anything about his past or even my own childhood.
I could always feel that he deeply cares and sacrifices for me a lot, but in a way he still remains emotionally distant. We never had a strong father-and-son relationship. As a result, during the teenage years I lacked guidance on many aspects of life — from what it meant to be a man, dealing with body changes, to how to treat or deal with women. The only one thing he always made clear is that I should study hard no matter what.
(This is something I wish could have happened more. I don’t blame my dad at all; he was a single dad, working a lower-income job, dealing with several chronic diseases that give him pain on a daily basis, and all the while trying to do what he thinks is best for me. I deeply respect him for the sacrifices he’s made. If I ever have a kid of my own though, I’ll definitely make an effort to be more emotionally available to him and be a better role model.)
During those years, girls became these mysterious creatures to me. In class I was an awkward boy who didn’t know how to talk to girls. It didn’t help at all that I ended up majoring in maths in high school (horrid boys-to-girls ratio), and when I went to New Zealand for my final year I was enrolled in a boys’ school. Just zero experience and exposure to girls.
I distinctly remember 17-year-old me feeling frustrated and thinking to myself I’d never have a girlfriend. I did not know where to meet girls; I had no idea how to strike up a conversation, how to flirt, how to go on a date, how to escalate a relationship. Absolutely clueless.
Of course a teenage boy shouldn’t even be thinking about dating or relationships, but I did not know that. I thought girls were… important. Someone should have told me that at this age my focus should be on studies and self-development instead. I just never had that mentor figure in those years.
Which is why I can empathise with the young man a lot. At that age, when you’re clueless about what should actually matter in life, and then you see those couples your age holding hand, kissing (and even having sex), it’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling worthless — like something is wrong with you. You desperately crave that sense of validation from the opposite gender, to be assured that at least you are normal and worthy.
(Of course it does not help that your teenage hormones are raging and your head is permanently occupied with sexual thoughts.)
What’s Worth Living For?
To the young man that inspires this post, his only meaning in life is… girls. Without it, his life is meaningless, and he is ready to die.
That’s obviously an incredibly naive and myopic view of a 14 year old who severely lacks perspective.
It kind of makes me think — what makes my life worth living for? What do I have to look forward to the next day?
There was one point in my life when I, too, was obsessed with the idea of chasing girls. Gradually, as I grow up and gain perspective, I have slowly begun to discover areas, pursuits that truly seem to make life worth living for. Here are some that I can think of right now:
- I enjoy writing a lot. It’s peaceful and meditative. I don’t think I’m that good at writing, but I don’t really care. I just write for myself. I’d like to try my hand at writing a book some time in the future. I don’t want to just write a generic compilation book — it has to be something original.
- I want to win a regional arm wrestling tournament. I enjoy this sport a lot. I’m still a newbie now, but if I keep training consistently enough, in a couple of years I do hope to at least become competitive.
- I want to build a company or a project that I can later look back on and be proud of the work that the team has put in and the impact we have made. We’re working on it now, putting it together brick by brick.
- I want to go on a thru-hiking trip. Just spend several weeks immersing in nature and, at one point, marvel at the glorious Milky Way on a clear night sky.
- I want to become a close mentor to a younger man. I’m still really young and inexperienced, but at least some of the wisdom I’ve gained in my 26 years alive might be helpful to a young man somewhere. It will take time to develop a bond and a sense of trust, but I’d love to dedicate my time to it.
That’s it for now. If the young man can read this post, I hope he understands that yes — relationships are amazing; that spark of chemistry, the feelings of vulnerable intimacy and being lost in passionate sex are truly among the pinnacles of human existence. But it’s not the only reason to live for, and there are many other pursuits that make tomorrow worthy of waking up to.
Final Thoughts
After writing all of this down, I’m coming to appreciate even more the importance of a role model for young people. I’ll write a more detailed post about the influence my dad had on my upbringing.
For now, I’m kind of glad that I’m finally at a point where I no longer feel completely lost. I still have a lot to work on for sure — but identifying some of the major goals I’d like to accomplish, without feeling the need for external validation, is a good start.
Also that chapter in life where I dedicated my entire waking existence to thinking about girls has already shut. I’m looking forward to the next chapter where I’m slowly transitioning into my 30s with a better understanding of my own raison d’etre.
Je serai toujours là, à t’attendre. Après vos longs voyages, j’espère que je serai un endroit où vous pourrez vous arrêter et vous sentir en paix. Je t’aime
What a random but interesting post I have read! What you used to say about your father made a lot more sense to me. I had similar feelings and relationship with my parents. Because of our generation gap, my parents and I didn’t really share much during my adolescence. Anyway, I understand that our parents always want the best for us and advise us to study hard no matter what. Sometimes what they can provide us is a bit different from what we expect, and that’s fine.
It’s surprising and amusing that a someone who is strong-minded like you felt frustrated at finding a girlfriend at the age of 17. In my high school, I believe we were all obsessed with studying hard to get into a university. At that time, it was normal that people were all single and didn’t care much about relationships. There were just a few couples in our grade during those years. Perhaps our schoolboys, who I was unaware of, were thinking the same things as you? Or did students in a big city simply have more ideas than those in a province?
Additionally, I have addressed some questions through this post. 😉